\u201cI don\u2019t want to do it, but I feel so guilty if I don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is the response I often hear from my clients, when their parents force their kids to take care of them, or do what they say.\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It sounds so heartless when I tell them, you\u2019re not responsible for your parents.\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And yet, it is the most beautiful thing for a person, which is to be free from this \u201cobligation\u201d. And here\u2019s why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because we\u2019re raised in a \u201ctransactional\u201d world, and never know the true meaning of free will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Often times, there is an invisible price placed on us when other people do something for us, or give something to us. Like a parent taking care of a child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yet, the highest form of love, or the main reason for us to give, is because we want to, because we love that person. And this comes from our heart. In other words, there is no expectation of receiving anything back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But because of generational trauma, man-made values and \u201cobligations\u201d, it ends up being a form of exchange, which creates a painful bind between parents and kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019d given you this much, because I love you, so now, it\u2019s your turn to show me you love me, by taking care of me, being responsible of me. And if you don\u2019t do that, shame on you! That means you don\u2019t love me!\u201d\u200b
One of our \u201chighest\u201d virtues in the Chinese culture, Filial Piety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sadly this is where manipulations start: crying, yelling, threatening to kill oneself, shaming, rejecting, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How can you be so heartless for not taking care of me? For not paying for me? For not spending time with me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bSo we are held hostage physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bWhen this freedom of choice is taken away, resentment and guilt enter the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bHow is this our responsibility, when we never asked to be born in the first place?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bThis unfairness turns love into bitterness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bAnd when the child didn\u2019t get their opportunity to choose, they carry this obligation onto the next generation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And the toxic cycle continues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So how do you break it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is through being \u201cheartless\u201d.\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When one generation can be \u201cselfish\u201d and tend to their own needs, wants, desires first and foremost, when they can be happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bThen they will come back to you and give you their love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bThen they can carry that forward and allow their kids to be free, loving, happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And it takes a lot of courage, because it will be met with a lot of criticism, judgement, rejection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bSo the question is, are you willing to do it for you? Even if your parents walk out on you? Even if your relatives belittle you? Even if your brain doubts you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To go for what you want in life, so that you\u2019re happier to give back when your cup is full.<\/p>\n\n\n\n