While I was in my 20s, I was in a \u201crebellious\u201d phase, where every weekend, I was pretty much out doing something with my friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mostly dancing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And once I started dating people, my mom was mad because the people I was with weren\u2019t guys she approved of\u200b.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And she would always say things like, you\u2019re never home, you treat home like a hotel, you don\u2019t care about spending time with me, you\u2019re selfish, you don\u2019t care about me, who are these people you\u2019re dating, you don\u2019t respect me, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200b
And if you know me and my story, I had to fight against my mom when it came to being with my now husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I see so many of these scenarios on Reddit and in real life. \u201cMy mom is crying and yelling! And I don\u2019t want to see her heartbroken because I love her.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m tired of her controlling me, what can I do?\u201d
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So these were a few things I had to really learn:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1 I\u2019m not responsible for her emotions: pain, disappointment, shame, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2 If I don\u2019t follow what she said, it doesn\u2019t mean I don\u2019t love her<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3 I\u2019m not a bad daughter for following my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And 4, which is the hardest, I have to allow her to express her feelings through her body, which may include developing into panic attacks, or other illnesses\u2026 and it\u2019s not my fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know for some people, their moms might say things like, \u201cI am going to kill myself!\u201d, or \u201cHow can I live like this? I\u2019d rather die!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And it\u2019s a lot to deal with, esp when it is life or death situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m not saying what they\u2019re feeling is not real. I\u2019m sure if I was in their shoes, I\u2019d also experience the extreme pain, disappointment, and it\u2019d probably feel like the end of the world. Because they\u2019d probably lived their whole lives envisioning their kids turning out in a specific way. And then all of a sudden, their kids (me), threw a wrench in there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A future of possibilities, expectations, dreams. And all of a sudden, \ud83d\udd27 shattered.
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I understand that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But understanding that, doesn\u2019t mean I have to follow through with that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They have lived their lives. They made their decisions for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I have my life to live. Just as my son has his life to live.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I had to learn to separate my pain from her pain. Her pain is hers to deal with, my pain is mine to deal with. I had to learn to bear through my own pain and fear, and let her work through hers in her own way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And there is nothing I can do about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200bMost times, with a parent a child, our lives are so entangled that we sometimes feel as if we are one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u200b
So the first step is to realize that there are two, and we have to learn to separate them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I saw this video and I wanted to cry, both for the mom and the son.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have a watch.
\u200b<\/p>\n\n\n\n