October 22nd, 2022.. I was ugly crying on the sofa in my hotel room in Paris, because I blanked out in the middle of my speech earlier that day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I so desperately wanted to nail the speech because I craved for my coach\u2019s praises\u2026 I yearned to see that sparkle in her eyes while speaking highly of me! I hungered for her to tell the world how proud she was of me! And yet I failed\u2026 and I saw that disappointment flashed across her eyes. And that disappointment reminded me of my mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That painful realization of how much I needed other people to validate me hit me like a ton of bricks \ud83e\uddf1 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And at that moment I said this to myself: \u201cClaudia Chan! I am proud of you, for standing on stage and failing!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I learned to be proud of myself, to be my own cheerleader whether I fail or succeed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
One year later, I was standing on a beautiful stage in the same dress(!), and I delivered one of the most powerful speeches! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This speech was a journey, and it only captured a small glimpse of the bigger journey I personally went through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two weeks prior to me speaking on stage, my friend asked me.. what if you could sit in the possibility that no matter how hard you try, you won\u2019t get the result you craved? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It took me a while to understand what he was trying to say. But as I dived deep into my own subconscious mind, I came face to face with the \u201cintense dissatisfaction of my \u201ccurrent\u201d situation\u201d, one that I had experienced since I was in highschool.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I was in my teenage years, I always felt \u201ctrapped\u201d, because no one seemed to understand me, all I wanted was to drop everything, move somewhere, and restart my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And since then, I had created \u201cLimbo\u201d in my head, and in this space, all I wanted was to get myself out of this unpleasant situation, whether through walking, running, or even crawling\u2026 I had to get out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And that was why I worked so hard, because I didn\u2019t want to be in \u201cLimbo\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I walked, in my subconscious mind, for 25+ years\u2026 that was the most exhausting realization\u2026 so I made myself slow down, and come to a stop\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was like watching one of those movies, where the actor was desperately trying to escape, and she was running and stumbling, and eventually came to a stop due to exhaustion and hopelessness, and then she dropped to her knees, and ended up wailing and crying... That was the moment for me when I stopped\u2026 I came crashing down ugly crying in front of my friend for 20 min. and then silence... then peace. I could finally stop hustling for the sake of getting out.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At that moment, I was asked to a look at this place called the \u201cLimbo\u201d, at first, it looked like a scene out of a zombie movie, where everything was run down and neglected. And THEN! I realized I could change the scenery in this space to however I wanted it to look.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019d seen Lego Batman movie, it was like how the Joker transformed the Wayne Manor into a Jokers theme park. And that was what I did. The buildings in my Limbo turned into a scene in Japan, where I could go shopping, and had ramen\u2026 and I built a stage for the little girl inside of me, so she could sing to her heart\u2019s content. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And from there, that was how I stepped on stage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whether I win or not, I was giving my voice a place to speak, to share my stories, to share my findings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To bring fun and joy to other people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thank you for walking through this journey with me. Thank you for witnessing me. I appreciate you being in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am proud to present to you my speech. \u201cThe Joys of Chicken Dinner\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n