Today I share something that may be a bit controversial.
Because there is a lot of suffering in the world. And we can’t change it fully, but we have the potential to change it bit by bit within us.
Recently there is a post on Reddit, the Original Poster said that she felt very uncomfortable wearing a bra since she was young, but family and school had been very harsh against her, manipulating and forcing her to keep wearing one. Now that she’s older, she doesn’t want to wear one, but whenever she does that, people are leering at her, talking about her, laughing at her, mocking her, and she doesn’t know what she can do to stop fighting it.
I understand that it can be very upsetting, annoying, frustrating, aggravating, especially feeling oppressed by how she’s being treated for it. Because the truth is, she should be able to do what she wants to.
In the ideal world. People should respect that she doesn’t want to wear a bra. It is not right to hurt her for living how she wants.
And yet, because society has already dictated that women “should” be wearing a bra, and when they refuse to wear one, they get shamed for it, mocked for it, leered at.
This is the current reality.
So if this is me, how would I go about living that?
First, I’ll have to acknowledge two things.
I’ll have to acknowledge the current reality.
There will be creepy men leering at me if I don’t want to wear a bra.
There will be people talking about me for not wearing a bra.
There will be people trying to hurt me if I don’t want to wear a bra.
This is the reality. Not saying that it is the right thing to do to me, of course I don’t want that, yet to give myself that power, I will have to acknowledge that this is what people will do.
The second thing I have to acknowledge are the feelings I have toward it.
I’ll feel mad that other people are trying to stop me.
I’ll be scared when guys try to come up to hurt me.
I’ll be agitated when they say mean things about me.
I’ll feel oppressed, helpless, hopeless for “needing” to follow society’s rules.
Once I processed these two things, then I can decide what to do.
“If this is the reality, what do I want for myself?”
Here’re some examples.
Today,
I will take some self defence classes so I can protect me.
I want to stand up for myself, and I want to give the finger to whoever acts out of line.
I want to walk up to the people who talk shit about me, and I challenge them in the face for being rude to me.
I want to look for people who support this agenda, who are doing the same thing, so I can walk proudly down the street without my bra.
I want to not care about what other people say, even when they gawk at me.
I want to feel the freedom in doing what I want, despite other people saying bad things about me.
I want to find joy in going out without a bra, and no matter what other people do, I am being who I am.
I want to inspire other women who also feel the same way, and are seeking the same freedom.
I am willing and ready to fight for me, no matter what.
I’m too tired today, so I’m going to put on another layer of clothes so no one looks at me.
Here’s the thing, going against “the norm” is an uphill battle.
By acknowledging the situation and our feelings, we may be able to see that we have more power over ourselves, because WE can then decide what we want for us, even when other people may be against us.
Acknowledging something doesn’t make it right, this is just the first step to own our own power.
Because at the end of the day, we get to decide what we want to do, because no one else gets to change us.
What is something that you feel pressured to do, and yet you feel there is “no other options” but to follow?
Last Thurs, my husband and I came upon an event where I reacted "out of character" for me. And he got really mad, because in his mind, he saw me as being disrespectful/hateful toward him and his family.
I reacted that way because I was trying to protect our son.
So on Monday night, my husband was trying to clear this up with me again, at first, he asked me a simple question, which I answered. But after some discussion, I realized how hurtful that question actually was for me, because I felt as if he didn’t understand who I am.
And this is what I realized.
Even the one who is closest to me and love me, can misunderstand me.
They can still perceive my action to be hurtful because they’re looking at things through their own filtered glasses.
Even when I have no intention of hurting anyone.
Yet here’s the difference,
If they really care and want to understand me, they will try to talk and clarify with me.
If they don’t, then they will try to change me, tell me how I’ve done wrong, how I should or shouldn’t be doing something.
In their eyes, I will always be at fault.
And as someone who has people-pleasing tendencies, I care.
I care a lot about how others feel and think.
And I also have to constantly remind myself that my own feelings and thoughts matter, and they’re valid.
We’re all human, we all have our own truths, and other people’s truth cannot overpower our own.
Because changing my perspectives or stopping myself from sharing my thoughts is going to make me frustrated, resentful, disappointed, and eventually I die inside.
If the closest person to me can misunderstand me, (which nothing has gone wrong), others will too.
And it’s ok.
So when I looked at that part of me who wants to speak up, this is what I see her do.
Be able to drive the car and drift like Ryan Gosling’s character in Fall Guy.
I love this scene where Colt Seaver (Gosling’s character) decided to “take his life back”. He’s had it with being a valet parking attendant, so he decided to bring back the client's car by drifting through the parking lot.
Me taking the wheels! 🚘🚗 OH yeah!
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When your loved ones misunderstand you, or when they try to change you, it can be very painful. (I cried non-stop for a good 20+ min. And I have to tell my husband not to feel guilty about asking me the question). All of these take courage, compassion, understanding.
So, if you are ready to speak up for yourself, and if you feel apprehensive in doing so (because it can be quite triggering on your own), reach out to me.
We can navigate through the messy emotions, and give you the power to stand for you, speak your mind.
Because your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as others. Because YOU matter.
Book a free 20min consult with me to see how we can approach this together.
So my coach is asking us to write things that is true to us. And this is something that is true to me, which is this...
Life is friggin' exhausting...
I was just thinking about my life.
Since the day I was born, I felt like I was thrown into this current.
Needing to perform at school, get good grades, pass exams, get into a good university, study the necessary courses to graduate.
So that I can get a job. Keep working, make money, get to the next step.
Go back to school, get a Masters.
Then find a person, get married, have kids, make sure they’re ok. Make sure we are on top of things.
Why?
While growing up, my mom kept telling me and my brother that life sucks.
And I resented her, for a very long time because I kept thinking, then why the heck did you bring me into this life?
So I didn’t want to have kids.. because life sucks (and that was how I felt).
And I desperately wanted to get out of it.
So I built up other parts of my life, like building my business.
Because in the back of my mind, I wanted to get out of this 💩 hole.
And my coach just bombed me, because she said, stop asking for your business (or whatever you do) to heal your wounds.
While sitting through this, I realized I carry a lot of my money insecurity wound, my insignificant wound, my not smart enough wound, and many more...
I have to heal all of these friggin bull💩 on my own.
And not rely on my business to heal me.
So I ask myself what do I really need for these healing to take place?
And the deeper answer is, I need rest, I need fun.
I need to care about what I really need first.
And yet I am too exhausted, so my answer is, I don’t know. Yet.
So I’ll just float down the river for a little bit and let it carry me wherever it goes.
And see what happens next... nothing has gone wrong.
If you’re feeling the same way, I want to let you know that you’re not alone.
Yesterday I met up with my amazing friend, Annie.
I shared how I would like to put my business on hold.
I want to discover what is fun for me, and rest.
And she said, good for you for giving yourself the permission!
My throat tightened and tears welled up my eyes.
Giving myself the permission to slow down and do what’s different from the norm.
Often times, we have a tendency to keep pushing ourselves, and when we don’t see results, we may double down on it, because somehow, we’d been trained to push through since we were young.
And what’s more, society often celebrates wins and milestones, while dismissing those who are slowing down.
Have you ever feel the need to rest, but somehow your brain says, maybe just one more thing?
If that’s you, you’re not alone.
I have to fight through my own mental chatter.
And sometimes, resting doesn’t feel good.
But I am willing to do this hard thing, to give more to myself, to be more of my fun, loving self. So that eventually I can give more to others.
If you’re called to rest, I invite you to put down what you can to tend to yourself too.
And no, it doesn’t mean you will not hear from me, you will just hear about things that are in my mind.
And I’d love to hear from you too! If you’re called to write back or connect, you can find me here, or on my social platforms!
So many times, I would want to join a group, and make connection with others, but the moment I joined, my body would be like, no… this is not for me…
And I know that it’s because I had a few thoughts.
1 I don’t belong here.
The feeling of I have to change myself to fit in.
It’s like one of the recent events I volunteered at. Throughout that time I just felt so uncomfortable, I felt as if I had to act a certain way in order to make a connection.
2 I’m not good enough.
And keep comparing myself to others
It’s like whenever I get into a group, a part of me would keep comparing myself to them, and my mind would hone in on all the things I haven’t done yet, or how I’m not good enough yet.
3 Unable to share my struggles
If I share what I’m struggling with, it equated to me feeling incompetent. Or worse, the belief that no one really cares about it, and I have to figure it out on my own anyway, so why bother sharing.
It makes it very hard to share things.
And yes, all of these stemmed from my experiences while growing up.
And they don’t help me grow my connections with others.
Often times, we may really want to have a group of people to support us, but we may stop ourselves short from connecting, because of our tendency to compare.
Other times, we may crave for that human connection, but we end up holding back because we somehow believe that other people don’t car
Has there been a point in your life where you are surrounded by a group of people, but you still felt alone?
🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️
For me, so many times.
And yet, I still kept trying, kept healing, kept putting myself out there, because I believe that building a community that I can belong to, will help me walk further.
So that’s why my friend Phoebe Maina and I are going to talk about the Power of Community.
How to connect and build that group of people in your life.
If you’re interested in it, then join us. Tonight!!
Tonight May 10th 9 pm EST/ Sat May 11th 9am Beijing Time
The link will be sent to you an hour before the event!
and if you know or someone who may benefit, here’s the link:
https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/the-power-of-community-tickets-893372470107
Does the thought of speaking up in front of others make you second guess yourself, or make you want to hide?
Maybe at work, you want to share more of your ideas at meetings. Or at home, you wish that you can tell your parents or in-laws to back off! Tell them to stop forcing you to do things you don’t want, or stop telling you how to do things.
But every time you think about speaking up, you freeze. Your chest squeezes you like a vice, your mind screams, “They’re gonna get so upset!! Don't do it!!"
Yeah, what if they yell at me, ridicule me or kick me out?!
This is part of the “People-Pleasing Tendencies” we’d picked up since we were young. (Or as my coach calls it, “self-abandoning” tendency)
If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone, and nothing is wrong with you. You’d just been brought up in a way where you never got a chance to exercise your voice.
And now that you want to use it, it feels super uncomfortable and scary.
That’s why I’ve created 5 videos, “Stop People-Pleasing Tendencies”.
In the first video, I share with you how this tendency developed while growing up.
In the second video, I highlight how we can separate our thought models from other people’s thought models.
In the third video, I demonstrate how to acknowledge and allow ourselves to process our feelings. And once we allow for our own emotions, we can also allow others to have their own feelings, so we no longer feel the need to take responsibility for them.
In the fourth video, I share about the importance of calming down our nervous system. By doing so, we can think clearly on how we want to proceed.
And in the last video, I teach you how to “visualize” our future in order for us to tap into our future self. Whether we want to be more confident speaking up at meetings, or stand up for ourselves in front of our parents or in-laws.
Bonus resources: If you’d like to learn more techniques to calm down your nervous system, I created a video called “3 Techniques to Reduce Stress and Anxiety”.
And if you want more help to process your anger or resentment, you can also sign up for my free resource, “Flip-the-Table”.
I believe that once we can master our emotions, then we will be more courageous to do the things that scare us, or hold us back. We will be less likely to be shaken up by other people’s reactions. And we have more confidence moving forward trying new things.
If after you have gone through these resources, and you have any question, you can always reach out to me.
And if you feel you're ready to go on this journey, to become a more courageous version of you, I invite you to hop on a free 20-min call with me.
I’d love to get to know you more, and we can see if we’re a good fit to work with each other.
I offer a free pro-bono session where you can see my coaching style. If you want to work more closely with me, I offer various packages depending on your need.
I hope that these resources help you! And if you think others may benefit, I invite you to share them too!
Do you sometimes feel like, no matter how much you do, your mom, in-law or spouse (or someone else) would always criticize you, make a lot of inconsiderate requests, and show no appreciation toward what you do?
And at the same time, you’re worried about how to guide your kids to become more confident, so that they can stand up for themselves and showcase their brilliance?
I understand how difficult it can be to cultivate that courage and confidence to show up for me, so that I can show my son how he can stand up for himself.
Growing up as a daughter with a controlling mom, it wasn’t always easy.
My mom wanted everyone to do everything her way. If it wasn’t up to her standard, she would nag, criticize, yell just to impose her views and preferences onto others.
It could range from minor details like, the length of my haircut, to life-defining issues, like who I should marry.
And I realized that I was afraid, because I was scared of how she would react or respond to me when I went against her.
Learning how to navigate through the negative and explosive reactions was extremely challenging.
And yet, it was the most liberating things I did for me.
I stood strong for me, so that I can show my son how to stand strong for himself.
I am able to show him how I’m building my own business, while working full time.
I am able to show him how I stood on stage and spoke to a room full of people.
I am able to show him how to process his feelings. He understands that it’s ok when his friends don’t agree with him. And it’s ok to say no when his friends ask him to play and he doesn’t want to.
So many times as women, we put everyone else first, our kids, our spouses, our parents, our friends.
And we put ourselves last.
We’re so tired, and we still went out of our ways to do that thing for someone.
And in the end, when our kids see us doing all of that.. they also believe they have to sacrifice themselves, put themselves last, for other people in their lives…
If you’re at a point where you feel you’ve had enough of how other people are treating you, you’re ready to gain some confidence to stand up for yourself, because you want to demonstrate to your kids what confidence is all about, I’d love to support you.
Imagine, even though your mom is making outrageous requests, you can lovingly tell her, NO, and you do what’s best for you on your own time.
When your kids come to you to tell you their friends are being mean to them, you have the capacity to sit with them to process the disappointment and pain, and then teach them to say, I no longer want to spend time with these people anymore.
Or you finally have the courage to go back to school to get that degree that you want, or try that new thing that you want, and in turn, you can show your kids how to be courageous to go after their dreams!
What could that do for you and your kids?
If you’re interested, I’d love to get to know you and find out how I can help.
You can reply to this email, or you can book a free 20-min consultation with me.
After our call, if you feel we’re a great match, then we can discuss how we can work togethers.
Right now, I am offering 4 1:1 sessions for $200 CAD.
I’m looking for 5 women who are interested to do this work for themselves.
Because you deserve to step up and shine, and so do your kids!
