Claudia Chan
Professional Certified Life Coach
I rewatched a talk by Simon Sinek.
He was talking about how he and his friend just finished a marathon, and at the end of the race, there were free bagels.
Simon said free bagels, and his friend said, the line’s too long.
He learned that there are people who see the good thing at the end, and there are people who only see the obstacles.
Right now, a lot of my time are spent on coaching, writing up content, thinking about what’s valuable to share. I’m also working on developing my skills to be a better coach, and a better speaker.
For those who don’t know, I’m also working full time, a wife, and a mom to a 5 year old.
And I hear this a lot, where do you find the time?
I now create time for all of this, but it wasn’t always like this.
For many years, I “didn’t have time”.
I blamed many things in my life:
-Well, if only I don’t have to take care of my son!
-If only I have more help! (My husband actually takes care of a lot of things)
-If only I don’t have to work full time!
(All the external circumstances)
-Maybe I’m too dumb.
-Maybe I am too lazy.
-Maybe I am not really made for this.
(All the internal chatter)
All obstacles.
Through coaching, I realized 2 things:
1 I was using these obstacles to define who I am (I can’t because…)
2 It was really fear that was stopping me from taking actions.
I had to learn to see these obstacles as things I have to overcome, instead of things that define me.
The epiphany moment was when I heard Teal Swan’s Tutorial of Life.
(The first minute was the main idea.)
I set an intention before I came into this world, I determined for myself what I came to learn. I chose the condition, I chose the OBSTACLES that are presented in my life. By overcoming them, I expand.
So many times, we have the tendency to think that we’re stuck, we keep bumping up against the same obstacle again and again.
Maybe it’s money problem, whenever we earn money, something would happen and we have to give it up. Or it’s self love, we keep meeting people who don’t treasure us.
We became stuck in our obstacles, believing that we’re not meant for these things. But these are the exact obstacles that, by overcoming them, we become a different version of ourselves!
Have you ever feel you’re meant for more, but you keep coming across obstacles getting in your way? To the point where you stop believing you’re meant to go after it. You feel like everything in your life is conspiring to stop you from getting what you desperately want!
Here’s what I want to share with you:
1 This IS the obstacle you’re called to overcome, so you can expand. You’re meant to have that thing!
2 Figure out what exactly it is that’s holding you back, not just the surface reasons, but the deeper reason. For me, it was fear, what’s yours?
By seeing these two things clearly, then we can come up with a strategy to overcome them.
You are meant for more! The obstacles that are in your life are not here to define you, but rather, they are meant for you to overcome! So you can be the best version of you!
If you'd like to identify your obstacle, I'd love to help! I'm offering 2 free 30-min coaching session for us to figure it out together!
As humans, we have a powerful pre-frontal cortex that help us create meaning, to remember the past, to plan for the future, etc.
We also have a primitive brain, which is the part of the brain that keep us safe, avoid pain, seek pleasure, and be as efficient as possible.
This is our subconscious mind.
Remember the first time you learned how to drive a car? You use your conscious mind to actively learn how to drive.
As you master this skill, you no longer have to pay as much attention to the action itself. While driving, you can start thinking about other things, or have a conversation with others.
Think about the last time you drove, but you barely remembered the drive itself.
That is the subconscious mind functioning under our awareness. And it is in charge ~95% of the time.
It helps us survive, live day to day, doing the same thing over and over again. If we stop consciously directing our brain to do something, the subconscious mind will take over and default to the every day activity.
Also, while growing up, we develop certain beliefs about the world. These beliefs are generated based on what we saw, how we were treated, the experiences we encountered first hand, etc
We drew conclusions of how this world is like, and we develop a set of beliefs based on our experiences, and we are shaped based on these beliefs.
Beliefs such as:
No one really cares about me.
You have to work hard to make money.
I can only depend on myself.
All the guys I find are always using me.
These beliefs are not always true. Sometimes, these beliefs are developed in order for us to survive while we were young. It was meant to protect us.
But as we keep growing, these beliefs end up keeping us stuck in some way, and we end up in a cycle.
For example, maybe you were yelled at by your parents whenever you spoke up. And you got scared, so you stopped speaking up. So when someone starts yelling at you, you find yourself holding back. Even when you really want to speak up, you find it very difficult to do so. And you keep finding yourself “attracted” to these people in your life.
The truth is, there is nothing wrong with any of these beliefs, there is nothing wrong with you.
As a matter of fact, your brain is functioning really well. It had kept you safe all along.
And at the same time, your pre-frontal cortex is now telling you, “It’s time to speak up and stand up for yourself!” Because you’re tired of being treated poorly.
And this is where coaching comes in.
Coaching allows you to dig deeper to find out what exactly are your beliefs around anything you want to work on, so that you can become conscious and aware of it.
Remember, your subconscious mind is working continuously under the radar.
If you don’t pay attention to it, it will take over.
Coaching gives you a chance to slow down and pay attention to you, so you can get to know yourself some more.
It is also a time for you to give yourself the love and attention, so you can heal from previous wounds and traumatic experiences.
Coaching gives you a chance to see yourself as whole, AND addressing the fact that you want to keep expanding and evolving into a a better version of yourself.
Basically, coaching is like having a best friend who allows you to be truly who you are. This friend knows when to give you the space you need, and when to give you a kick in the butt. Most of all, this friend is willing to walk with you whenever you are afraid to walk on your own.
For me, coaching allowed me to love myself so much, that I don’t need to depend on anyone else. If they are too “freaked out” and want to leave, I let them leave. If they love me and want to stay, that’s the icing on the cake.
And this is what coaching is to me.
It can feel scary to dig deep sometimes, because we don’t like to feel uncomfortable. And it’s all okay. Because you don’t have to do this alone.
If you are interested to find out more about coaching, or try it out first hand. I’d love to gift you 2 free 30min coaching sessions! You can bring any of your problems to me, and we go on a journey to get to know you better.
Recently, I saw a video of this Chinese girl who was trying to logically state her case against her dad’s request for doing more homework.
First of all, I had to applaud her, because I can’t even speak this eloquently against my parents. And I’m sure many kids and adults who’d endured through this “pressure” can understand it.
This video made me want to talk about so many things.
The amount of pressure parents are putting onto their kids. Because of the competitive environment, the parents feel the need to keep pushing their kids to be better.
And how this creates a state of never good enough.
No matter how good this dad thinks his daughter is, he still wanted her to do more, because he didn’t want her to fail. No matter how hard she worked, no matter how much effort she put in, it’s not enough.
We end up believing that we’re not enough.
But in this post, I want to address the mentality of expectations.
Not the dad’s expectation of his daughter (or our expectations on our kids), but our expectations of ourselves.
There is a something called the Law of Mirrors.
It is a theory that allows you to understand other people through your own behaviours, and in turn you understand yourself better.
What you see in others, is what you see in yourself.
So many times as parents, we want the best for our kids. So we put a lot of expectations on them.
And we get disappointed in them, when we see that they haven’t “performed” up to our standards.
Or we get disappointed in them when they fail.
According to the Law of Mirrors, It’s all a reflection.
We see a potential in them because we see a potential in ourselves
We place high expectations on them because we have high expectations in ourselves.
We get disappointed in them, because we are disappointed in ourselves.
We get upset and mad at them, because we are upset and mad at ourselves.
So guess what we do? We place an even higher demand on our kids.
The next time you are disappointed in your kids, ask yourself this:
Is there something I really wanted to do, but I have somehow “failed” and I’m disappointed in myself?
Maybe you had a dream, but you gave it up.
Maybe you "should have" studied harder, but you didn't.
Maybe you felt like you'd disappointed your parents.
These are all valid.
So now the question becomes
Can I love my kids right where they are right now?
Without having to do more, perform more, study more, behave better?
And more importantly:
Can I love myself right where I am right now?
Without having to do more, have better behaved kids, have a cleaner house, have more money?
The Law of Mirrors also applies to other people in your relationship, not just your kids. It could be your parents, your spouse, other people at work.
How you see others is how you see yourself.
I remembered the first time I started working on myself, I got so impatient with everyone around me.
It was all because I was really impatient with myself.
Because of how I grew up, I wanted things to be done quickly and efficiently. I wanted to get the results right now.
In the beginning, I only saw that in other people, when they are too slow, not efficient enough, taking too long, I became impatient.
Through understanding myself better, I realize how impatient and disappointed I am of myself, for not creating the results I wanted right away. I kept pushing myself, and being disappointed in myself.
I'd like you to bring your attention to yourself, what expectations do you have of others? Because those are probably the expectations you have of yourself.
If you’re interested to explore more around this area, and would like to dive deeper into it, I’d love to offer you 2 free 30-min coaching sessions. So that you can what coaching is about.
Through this exercise, you'll be able to accept and love yourself more, so you can accept and love the people around you more, so you can have a stronger connection with them.
One of the things I love to do with my clients is to bring them the awareness. The first step is really to be aware of what’s going on. It’s eye opening every single time.
Book your sessions with me now.
I had a coaching session yesterday. I was preparing to meet a friend who said she could introduce me to someone for an opportunity to go on TV. I had serious doubt about myself, so I talked to my coach about it.
She and I worked through some of the thoughts in my mind, and processed through some very strong emotions I had within me.
Near the end, I shared with my coach on this one belief, one I held onto very strongly since I was young:
"Do your best. Hope for the best but expect the worst."
I lived by it since I was in my highschool years.
And I know I believed it because I was very much against feeling disappointed. It was a feeling I constantly have because of my high expectation of myself.
What this belief does, is that it would make me try new things, do my best. I would keep making things happen, BUT it makes me doubt myself, deep down, I refuse to believe that things will happen.
So my coach asked, what if you believe that what you want will happen?
I started crying, because I realized how scared I am of that thought. I mean, can you imagine? You want it so bad and if it doesn’t happen! I’d be so disappointed! But I realized what this belief is really doing is that it holds me back from truly believing in myself.
To explain it in another way, this is the imposter part of me, always believing that I’m just a fraud.
If it happens, it is just a fluke.
Because when things happen, I didn’t actually believe that it was me and my efforts. I didn’t believe that I am actually capable. All of this was just a fluke.
For her to ask me that question, it was like, wait a minute, you mean I am this powerful version of myself? You mean this is real??
And this is the belief process, from not believing to believing, stepping into the next version of myself.
And it’s ok. changes happen from within before it can be seen on the outside. I know it’s still a long road ahead, but I am excited to see all the changes in my life.
If you want to create changes in your life, it all starts with this: What if it’s possible for me too?
It all starts with the awareness that it’s possible, and the willingness to try.
For a while, you may feel like you’re an imposter, but it’s all part of the transformation process.
And if you’re scared, you don’t have to do it alone. If you believe that you’re ready for a change, but have no idea where to start, what you want, or how to get there, I’d love to offer you a free 60-min Jump Start conversation with me.
Even just to have a glimpse of what's possible. What if it's possible?
My favourite band while growing up is the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
I really wanted to blend into the western culture when I came to Canada, so I started watching Much Music to learn more about what’s popular in the music scene.
Under the Bridge was the first music video I watched and fell in love.
I loved the melody of the song, I fell in love with Anthony Kiedis’ voice, and he was really good looking! 🤩
But funniest thing is, I didn’t catch the name of the band and the song title at that time (because I didn’t know how the information was displayed!). So I didn’t find out they’re called the Chili Peppers, and the song’s called Under the Bridge until probably a year later. 🤣😅
Years later, they came out with a song called Deep Kick, and in the lyrics they said, “It’s better to regret something you did, than something you didn’t do”. (Referring to Butthole Surfers song called Sweat Loaf)
That was the motto I lived by, and I actually used that as my high school graduation quote. 🤣🤣🤣
This quote actually holds a lot of meaning for me. Because for a girl who is scared of a lot of things, this quote gave me enough courage to try different things.
And I am glad I’m still living by it.
What about you? Is there a motto you live by?
Since I was young, I’d always wondered what my life purpose is. I kept feeling like I was meant for more, but I felt trapped by my circumstances. Like I wish I could follow and be amongst the people who are “making it”, so that I can find out what makes them successful. But I felt like I was constantly being held back. I was constantly fed the belief that studying hard and getting a job is all there is to life. I wasn’t satisfied. I kept wondering if this is all there is to my life.
After I got married, I started my first business. I didn’t know what I wanted to do or could do at the time.
You know the famous question that all business owners are asked? “What pain point are you solving for your clients?”
I really hated that question! Because to me, it meant I have to be good at something to help others solve their problems! This question made me feel extremely inadequate, because more often than not, I didn’t believe I was good at anything!
But I still went ahead with it, I tapped into my creative side and I learned how to self-publish colouring books and offered calligraphy and engraving services.
Looking back, I believe there was a moment that really propelled me forward. I was hired by a client to engrave a bracelet for her friend, who just started his business. She wanted to gift him an engraved bracelet to encourage him.
I got a chance to speak with her when she came to pick up the bracelet. We started talking about our interests, and she got really excited talking about things that she was interested in! I remembered seeing her eyes lit up! She was so excited about all of these things!
So I asked her, “What about if you give them a try?”
Then I saw her shrink away. And she said, “Oh no, I can’t because…”
And she listed out all these reasons why she couldn’t.
And I remembered my heart screaming!
I truly believe that people should follow what they’re interested in, and do what lights them up! I wanted her to see that she can go ahead with it! But I didn’t know how I could help!
This event really got me.
Because I saw myself in her. I wanted to do more, but felt I couldn’t.
At that time, I was reading Marshawn Evans Daniel’s Believe Bigger. In it, she talked about her conversations with God.
So I also started praying, I said to God, “Please show me how I can help. How do you want me to help these people who think they can’t.”
And then a series of events happened.
First I was learning how to run online shows, and wanted to get better at speaking. So I booked a private session with a speaking coach. She said, “You have no problem with speaking, but you have a mom problem.”
That was when I realized how much impact my mom had on me.
Then as I got more into coaching, I learned how it was actually fear that had been holding me back, but fear is sneaky, it doesn’t show up as fear, it shows up as excuses and blame. And that was why I kept saying that if only I have more time, or more help!
It was through these events that led me down this path of coaching.
Coaching changed the way I treat myself. I learn to love myself more, and I am able to see deep potential within me.
Also, coaching strengthened the relationship I have with my husband.
We are able to communicate with each other better, and we have a deeper understanding and loving relationship with each other.
Coaching changed my world.
So many times, I come across people who feel trapped by their circumstances. They want to do more, but they believe that they have to take care of their kids or family, and they have to work, so they end up casting their dreams and desires off to the side.
And they feel miserable! All because they are not doing what they truly want.
This is where I come in. I want them to rediscover and acknowledge their dreams. I want them to be free to show up as who they are. I want them to have the courage to go after what they want, even when other people are disappointed in them, even when other people leave them. I want them to be able to stand up for themselves, powerfully and gracefully.
Because at the end of the day, if you don’t stand up for yourself, if you don’t go after what you want, no one will do that for you.
That is how I got into coaching. And if you believe that it’s time for you to be yourself and go after what you truly want. Then I would love for you to sign up for a free 60-min Jump Start conversation with me!
It’s never too late! And if you feel guilty because you feel like you're being selfish for giving yourself more time, look at it this way, you’ve been serving others for so long, you’ve always put other people first. You’ve paid your dues. Now it’s time for you!
Have you ever feel like you’re constantly doing things you don’t want to do?
Are you usually concerned about how other people will perceive you?
These are sign of people-pleasing tendencies.
Before I go in depth about people-pleasing, I’d like to share with you how it is developed.
People pleasing comes from how we interact with our parents (or caregivers)
While growing up, we are raised to believe that what other people do will cause us to have certain feelings. They could do things to hurt us, frustrate us, and make us feel powerless against them. (Which is not true, because it’s our thoughts that cause us the different emotions)
So in order to make ourselves feel better, we try to control other people’s actions.
It could come from a bigger power, where we yell, hit, nag, throw tantrums.
Or it could come from a silent power, where we change our behaviours to avoid certain reactions (like make other people angry)
If let’s say the parent is exerting a bigger power over their child, yelling loudly, physically hurting, or ignoring the child.
Because of the child doesn’t want to get hurt or abandoned, this child will alter their behaviours to protect themselves.
What happens is they will go against what they want, to “get on the good side of the parent”.
Through repeated training of this behaviour, this child will start believing that other people behave similarly to their parents.
So they continue this behaviour with other people, going against what they want to get other people to like them or accept them.
People-pleasing tendency is us changing our behaviours, and even denying who we are, to make other people like us, accept us, have good thoughts about us.
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This is very important to understand!
I saw first hand how powerful this was when my son was 2 years old.
I remember my husband and I were trying to get him to do something he didn’t want to.
He started crying and screaming. I tried to explain to him that it was a suggestion, and explained why we suggested it, we even told him that he still gets to choose what he wants.
After he finished crying, he was still mad about it, and was still reluctant to the idea.
But he said, “FINE!” And he went ahead to do the thing he didn’t want.
What??? At the moment, I was thinking, “NOOO!! But that’s not what you want! You don’t have to do that now!”
Now for some parents, they may be wondering, what’s wrong that that? My kid is finally listening to me!
But for me, I was horrified because I saw him go against himself to do what I want.
Because for so long, I felt like I had to go against myself to do what my mom wanted!
So deep down, I really didn’t want him to follow what I say! I want him to make a decision based on what he wants and go after that!
I saw how a 2 yo brain has the ability to do this.
I witnessed the creation of people-pleasing tendency.
It’s consolidated through constantly following what your parents say, forgoing your desires, seeking for your parents approvals, to the point where, you no longer trust what you want deep inside. You have to turn to other people for their advice, do what they want, in order to earn their love.
That is why, if you’re a people-pleaser, you are very familiar with the feeling of not able to do what you want, or not able to show up as yourself.
I know this feeling well.
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So what can you do about that.
So many of us want to stop people pleasing.
We feel trapped because we feel like we’re always doing things we don’t want, and yet we don’t know how to stop it.
As I mentioned before, when you people-please, it’s because in some way, you don’t want other people to dislike you or think bad thoughts about you.
So if you really want to stop this behaviour, I need you to hear this:
You have to be willing to feel very uncomfortable!
Here's why, because standing up for yourself is going to create A LOT of discomfort!
Are you ready to do this for yourself?
If you are, here are 3 steps to overcome people-pleasing:
1. Admitting to yourself what you really want.
Many times, because we’d been denied our own voices, we don’t even know what we want.
And it can be extremely hard to admit this for ourselves.
By admitting this, sometimes, our brains will tell us things like, “Well, isn’t that kind of selfish?” Or, “Why do you need that?”
But you need to do this first, which is to admit out loud what you want.
2. Find out what you're afraid will happen when you are true to yourself.
When you stop people-pleasing, there will be risks involved.
There is a risk that other people will get mad at you, and call you all sorts of names.
They’ll stop liking you and leaving you.
There is also a risk that you’ll feel guilty, or feel like you’re disappointing others.
So when you imagine standing up for yourself and going after what you want, what are you most afraid of?
3. We process the negative feelings.
Yes, we're scared of the above happening, but really, we're only scared of having the negative feelings.
So we learn to process the negative emotions.
Like the fear of getting hurt.
Or the feeling of guilt.
And even the fear of abandonment.
Once we are willing to face these emotions, then we will be able to have to capacity of standing up for ourselves.
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Here’s the thing, maybe you ARE scared that the people you love will leave you.
But there is a price you're paying! You’re abandoning your truth self. You’re burying your desires, your dreams, YOURSELF alive!
Which pain is greater? Is it the pain of abandoning yourself? Or is it the pain of losing others.
Also, if you’re really hiding yourself, are other people really loving who you are? Or just a facade of you?
Here’s the good news!
People-pleasing is trained, which means, you can untrained this part of you.
So what do you really want?
Do you desire going after what you want and be true to yourself?
If you do, then I can help you with that!
I’d love to invite you to a free 60min Jump Start Conversation so we can figure out what exactly it is you want for you, and we can see how we can best work together.
Don’t let yourself have the regret of holding yourself back.