Claudia Chan
Professional Certified Life Coach
Happy 2023!!
I just had 2 amazing days of coaching intensive this past weekend, learning how to change habits! (With Simone Seol and Melissa Tiers)
Through applying this knowledge to myself, I saw a few changes in the way I think and feel!
And one of them is mind blowing!
So I really want to share this with you.
One of the things I struggled with A LOT is comparing myself to others.
I can become extremely critical of myself when I start going down that rabbit hole.
One area that can really get me is scrolling through social media!
I would always end up feeling inadequate in some way, or speaking negatively to myself.
So to save myself from having to deal with negative emotions, I would try to either avoid using it or I’d scroll through posts really quickly.
But it really doesn’t help much, because I’d still get sucked into it and I’d have to do my own work to get myself out of this hole.
So I worked on changing my brain two days ago using a technique I learned.
I wanted to change it so that when I see someone’s #celebration posts, or travel posts, I want to be happy for the other person AND I don’t beat myself up for not having achieved my own results yet!
And these few days, when I’m scrolling through fb posts, the negative emotions are not there!
I find myself truly curious about what the other person is sharing, I am happy for them! AND I am excited for myself!!!
😁😁🥳🥳😆😆
I am so happy because now I can actually relax and enjoy scrolling through social media when I want to, and I know I can celebrate other people’s success with my full heart, AND I am also super proud of myself.
This is just the beginning, and I am so excited!!!!!
I am working on changing a few of my other habits, I can’t wait to share them with you! Woohooo!!! ✨✨
Did you know that comparing oneself to other people is actually considered a habit?
It sounds so weird, but it is!
Just like if you’re experiencing stress or anxiety.
Or if you always find yourself thinking you’re not good enough, or you’re always holding back instead of speaking up.
These are all habits that we’d formed from our earlier experiences.
This just simply means that a set of brain circuit has been formed, and this circuit is being activated again and again.
And that is how a habit is formed!
This is great news! Because it also means, these circuits can be changed! All because of the neuroplasticity of our brain (meaning the brain can be reorganized)
What do you think it’d look like if you can get rid of one of your habits that is stopping you from being your most optimal self?
Maybe you can be free to do what you want, because you are no longer scared to speak up to other people?
Or maybe you’ll become more willing to go after that goal you really want, because you’ve stopped criticizing yourself?
Or maybe you have more free time for yourself, because you can actually say no to others without feeling guilty?
That would be so amazing, don’t you think?
So if you think you can change one habit, what do you think you’d like to change?
A while back, my coach Simone Seol shared her view on setting goals.
She said, What if your goal can be “weird, delightful, awesome”?
What goal would you set for yourself?
As I was thinking about it, I realized how much I was influenced by the patriarchal society.
We are raised to set goals based on the patriarchy societal expectations, like we measure our success based on how much money we make, what title we have, what business we have, where we live, what house we buy, etc
As I was thinking about mine, I realized how much my goals had been defined by these things. For me, I was thinking about how many times I would like to speak on stage, how many clients I’d like to have, how many podcasts I want to put up.
While there is nothing wrong with this, I was also thinking what exactly I want for myself for this coming year.
As my mind tried to explore what is fun, weird, exciting, delightful, awesome, I thought, what do I really want and treasure?
(Actually, when I first saw the Beat Saber game! I got so excited!! O M G!! I used to play these tap tap music games on my phone when I was younger! Can't wait to get my hands on this thing, I'm going to have so much fun!!! Seriously, being about to complete this difficult song would be one of my weird, delightful goals! LOL! !)
Other than that! One thing that came up for me was creating deeper 1:1 connections with others.
For some of you, making connection is easy!
But for someone like me who’s extremely introverted, it took me a lot of work to get to even where I am right now.
One of the reasons was because while growing up, I had to learn to protect myself a lot. So I would end up pushing people away before they had a chance to do anything.
I blocked them out, and in reality, I blocked myself in.
But despite all of this, deep down, I want to create more connections with others.
And it is because having “sisters” is something I’d always wanted.
These are people who are there for me no matter what, they are able to share my ups and downs, crack funny jokes, give me a good kick in the butt when I need it. They accept me the way I am.
I have a few people in my life I can call sisters, and it’s been amazing.
And I want to create more of these wonderful relationships for myself this year, and that would be delightful and fun for me.
So what about you? What goal would you like to create that would be weird, delightful, awesome for you?
What area of your life would you want to set a goal for? (Not just for your work, there are also other areas of your life.)
If you think of anything weird and delightful, I’d love to hear about it!
And if you’d like to create more connections too, I’d love to get to know you more! You can book a connecting session with me, where we just have fun and chat.
Looking forward to chatting with you!
What if there is actually someone who is jealous of you?
When I was first asked this question, I was like, no way! Why would anyone be jealous of me?
But what if, there is actually someone out there (past, present, or even in the future) who is jealous of you, and want what you have, want to be like you?
I learned this concept through David Bedrick.
When other people see your greatness, sometimes they don’t know how to act. So they react in a way to pull you down, or make you feel inappropriate. They make you feel small, like something’s wrong with you.
Thinking back in your life, have you ever done something you’re very proud of, and when you share it with someone, like your good friend, or your family, you were expecting them to be proud of you! But they weren’t.
Or maybe you were doing something true to yourself. Like you laughed out loud, or you made funny jokes. And someone commented on how inappropriate you’re behaving.
These are actually signs of other people being jealous of you.
In this post, I want you to focus on what that greatness is inside of you, instead of focusing on what the other person is doing.
I want you to dig deep and look at it, acknowledge it and see how powerful you truly are.
That accomplishment you’d achieved.
That ability that flows effortlessly through you.
The opportunities that you are able to get.
Here are two examples I could share with you.
The first is my ability to see everything in different perspectives.
While growing up, I always question why things are the way they are, why do they have to be that way.
And this caused a lot of tension between my mom and I.
Whenever I shared my ideas that was contrary to my mom’s, she would start questioning me.
To the point where she would make me feel inadequate, make me believe that something is wrong with me.
I’ve since learned that articulation is a skill I had to work on.
But this is a trait that comes easily to me, and I pride myself for being able to see things, I question things, and I don’t just follow.
The second thing I encountered was when my book came out. I shared it with a good friend of mine, and the first thing she said was, “Oh, it’s like my other friend, who had a book too.”
After reflecting on it afterwards, I saw how it made me feel like my accomplishment wasn't really that big of a deal. So I had to learn to celebrate my achievements.
All of these are signs of “jealousy”, where other people were trying to make me feel small or inadequate.
They saw a greatness in me. But instead of bringing me up, they pushed me down. And so, I had to learn to see what they are really doing, I had to learn to see my greatness for myself.
Could you recall when you had experienced one of these moments?
I want you to see that greatness in yourself.
I want you to see your laughter.
I want you to see your grit.
I want you to see how far you’ve come.
I want you to see your inquisitive mind.
I want you to see how easily you can connect with others.
I want you to see your ability to make other people laugh.
I want you to see how you can bring other people hope.
I want you to see how you are able to encourage other people
I want you to see your conviction in what you stand for.
This is you, in your glory.
I want you to learn to cherish it, because this is your hidden power.
If you're having trouble finding it, or if you're having trouble seeing your hidden greatness, book a free 30-min coaching session with me, and we can dig deeper and see what we can find!
PS:
I am made of greatness
I am destined to be great
I am a sign of success
I am success by name
Even when people underrate me
I will keep the faith to elevate me
People think I am for nothing
But I know I stand for something
Success success success
Is all I want for you and me
So that we can move together
My friend, never loose the faith in yourself
You are here for a purpose
And you must fulfil the purpose
Do not think of the wind that is blowing
Always look at the crown that is glowing
You are meant for this reason
Keep your faith in all season.
Made for Greatness - Gbolagade Taiwo
With the holidays fast approaching, that means gatherings will be happening soon.
This may be a stressful time for you, because this is when a lot of inappropriate comments, unwanted questions and unsolicited advices will be made.
These may include:
When are you getting married?
You should be having more kids.
Have you found a job yet?
Did you gain some weight?
You should show up to this event.
Here’s something I teach my clients.
You can TAKE CHARGE of how you want to respond to these comments and questions.
When I talk to people about it, they’re usually like, what do you mean I can take charge?
Here is what I mean:
We are raised to believe that our emotions are caused by other people’s actions.
But we know we cannot control other people’s actions, and we feel disempowered.
So here’s what we usually end up doing:
Feeling hurt, so we cry and sulk in front of them, or we yell and force other people to change their behaviours.
But rarely can we actually control other people’s actions.
I’ll share this with you:
Here’s what really stands between their actions and your feelings. Your thoughts.
You can either keep blaming them, and wanting them to change, and remain feeling disempowered.
Or you can take responsibility and take charge of your own emotions and how you respond them them.
Understanding that our thoughts cause our feelings is the first step to taking your power back.
A very simple example I always give to my clients is this.
Your relative can say, “I don’t like how your blue hair looks on you.”
If you don’t have blue hair (and assuming that you don’t) You’re not going to feel hurt by this comment.
You may feel confused, because you may be thinking, “I have no clue what my relative is talking about.”
But you won’t feel hurt or triggered by this comment because you don’t have blue hair, and you don’t have any hurtful beliefs about yourself around this.
But if your relative asks, “Did you gain some weight?” Or
“When are you having your next kid?”
Now you may feel triggered, because deep in your mind, you do have some sort of belief surrounding these issues.
“I’m not looking like what’s expected of me, I’m not beautiful enough.” Or
“I’m not doing what’s expected of me, I’m not a good enough wife.”
These beliefs had been ingrained in you since you were a kid.
You are expected to be a certain way, or you must behave a certain way in order to feel accepted.
I’m not dismissing or condoning other people’s behaviour.
But ultimately, these questions or comments hurt, or they make you irritated, or shameful even, because you have a strong belief about yourself.
And they are very painful beliefs to have!
What I do, is I help my clients identify all these thoughts and beliefs.
Dig them up and look at them.
Process the painful, irritating, annoying, or whatever feelings that come with it.
And then we ask: Is this thought really true about me?
If it is not true, and if it’s not something that serves me anymore, then what do I really want to believe about myself?
How do I want to feel?
And most importantly, HOW do I want to respond when other people are doing the things I don’t like?
Do I want to confront them and tell them to f-off? Or
Do I want to let it go and not be bothered by them?
And this is important!
Because by you going through this process, you get a chance to sort through all of the beliefs that you’d accumulated over so many years (42 years for me!)
And You get to look at all of them and decide if this is really who you are, and if it’s something you want to keep for yourself!
You get to create the real version of yourself, to redefine who you really are.
So you can LOVE yourself the way you are. Love yourself the way you want.
And when you love yourself, you stop giving a sh*t about what other people say about you.
You become stronger in your voice.
When you decide to speak up, you can let other person know that they’ve crossed the line, and it’s inappropriate of them.
Or you can be cool and calm and say, “That doesn’t bother me, it’s not even worth my time, they can say whatever they want to say.”
You give yourself your sanity back, you take your time back, you take your energy back!
This is how you get to take charge! You get to take control back over how you want to feel when other people do whatever they do.
That is the power you get to have.
If that is what you want, then let’s get you on this path!
Book a free 60-min Jump Start Conversation with me, and we can identify which areas you’d like to work on, how you want to show up for yourself, and see if we’re a great fit to work together!
I want you to be who you truly are!
Because what other people do or say, they don’t define you.
You are beautiful, smart, ambitious, giving, and you get to decide for yourself what is best for you.
Take that power back and truly be yourself!
Dec is just around the corner, and this year, it seems like the holidays is upon us faster than ever!
One of the things that I come across A LOT when chatting with other people is, “holiday obligations”.
Needing to be a certain way.
Must do certain things.
Because “I have to”.
Here’s what usually happens:
All these feelings go hand in hand.
We grow up with a lot of expectations placed on us.
How we “must” behave.
What is considered “appropriate”
To be a good mom, good wife, good daughter, good friend.
We have a tendency to over do the thing, because we want to take care of others, we don’t want to “hurt” other people, or we don’t want to “disappoint” others.
But the only person who gets the short end of the stick is ourselves.
This year, what about if we only do the things we REALLY WANT?
Give gifts ONLY if we want to?
Rather than gifting gifts, what if we are able to set a new rule for this year?
We’re going to spend some quality time together?
Cook that dinner ONLY if we want?
Rather than making that dinner, what if we buy take out for some unusual food?
This is what I’d been telling all my clients recently.
When you stand up for yourself, you’re going to be ruffling A LOT OF feathers!
Other people are going to push back, make nasty comments.
BUT, it's do-able!!!
What if you can build up your strength, so that you can stand strong for what you want?
And how you do it, is all about facing all the negative emotions.
Be able to face them, and say, you know, this is dang uncomfortable, but I’m still going to stand by my own choices!
Because I WANT TO!
If standing up for what you want is what you’re looking for this holiday, AND for this upcoming new year (2023 is coming right up!!), I’m offering a free 60-min Jump Start session with me.
We’ll go through exactly what it is you want to work on, and we’ll make a plan to make this happen
Be more “selfish”, be more you!
Listen! When you’re burnt out, you’re no fun!
When you become more “selfish”, when you give yourself more time and energy, that's when you can bring the fun back into your family!
Who wants a grumpy mom who yells and nags and is resentful all the time?
I had the opportunity of hosting a workshop for Mothers to Daughters, and had a chance to share my knowledge about fear with others.
Most of the times, I find that if there is something we really want to do but if we haven’t done it yet, it’s most likely because of fear.
But we don’t actually see it as fear, because our society doesn’t tolerate fear very well.
Most of the times, we see fear as a weakness.
We say things like,
Why are you scared? There’s nothing to be afraid of!
Oh c’mon it’s nothing!
Oh scardy cat!!! Scardy cat!
So we “push” fear to one side, or stuff it down and white knuckle our way through.
But when we feel fear, our brain is giving us a warning, saying that it’s really afraid of something.
And when we ignore the signal and keep going, our brain will send out a bigger signal to stop us the next time!
If we muscle our way through again, our brain will send an even bigger signal the next time!
That’s when procrastination happens! That’s when we stop ceasing movement forward. And then we think it’s a problem, we say things like,
Oh I have “no motivation”.
It’s not what I really want to do.
Or
I’m not cut out for this.
But all of these are NOT true.
It’s just our brain trying to hold us back.
So I shared with everyone that there are two things to understand.
First, fear doesn’t like to show up as fear, it likes to disguise itself as the following:
Logic - it’ll be irresponsible for me if I quit my job to do what I want!
Excuses - I’m too tired from today’s work, it was a stressful day
Blame - I wanted to work on my business but my son got sick again!
Over-analysis - what if they laugh at me, or what if I don’t know how to respond?
Guilt - I shouldn’t do that because my parents sacrificed so much for me.
Perfectionism - I have to work on the script again, or I have to keep taking another course!
So what is your fear’s disguise?
So many times, I was either blaming someone in my life, or I’m making excuses for myself. I was also criticizing myself a lot, being a super anal perfectionist! Those were some of my fear's disguises!
Second there are three types of fear
Fear of Lost of love - being abandoned or rejected, scared that other people no longer love us or support us.
In the old days, if we were ever abandoned, we couldn’t survive!
Fear of Physical or emotional pain - getting physically or emotionally hurt by others if we do something
There was a time when “witches” were being burnt and we would be physically tortured and humiliated if we did outrageous things!
Fear of failure/the unknown - fear of not having enough skills and feel incompetent and not knowing what the outcome is
If we wanted to fight an animal, and if we were physically incapable to do so, we would die!
Our brains had to survive those times, and they protected us so we didn't die! Our brains had evolved to keep us alive. Even though these fears don’t serve us anymore, it’s natural that we’re still stuck with them!
To overcome them, we have to be able to pinpoint what exact fear we’re facing, and then we process that emotion to embrace it.
Embracing it means, to drop into our body and feel the emotions. Be able to describe the feeling in our body.
It’s this simple, yet we don’t like to do it because it doesn’t feel good!
But embracing it is so important! Because it means to acknowledge our brains and say, hey, I know you’re scared right now, but we’re feeling it right now, and we’r safe. There really is nothing to be afraid of.
Once we embrace it, THEN we can move on.
I’m not saying we can’t move on without processing it, but when we don’t, we feel a lot of resistance moving forward. The forward momentum feels very heavy.
After processing it, the resistance may still be there, but it’s a bit lighter, because we know it’s just an emotion.
So many times we want to try something, and fear is right there! It’s inevitable!
So now we learn to take care of ourselves by creating a safe space for our brains, let our brains know that we’re not in danger.
We can trust ourselves, and we have our own back, no matter what really happens.
If you’d like to learn how to process your fear because there is something you really want to do, even just as simple as speaking up for yourself, I’d love to help.
I’m offering free 30-min coaching session where we can process your fear. And decide on how you want to feel instead.
Imagine how life can be like if you can be you! Not caring about what other people say, you can do what you want, say what you say, be how you want to be, without fear, without guilt.
Look, you’d been doing so many things for other people in your life, you’re seeing so many people move forward, but what about you?
It’s time to look after yourself. It’s time to focus on you!
The first step to do that is to get over your fear.
I can help with that, see for yourself and book a session with me now!
And have you ever felt so tired, but you still muscled your way through to keep pushing on?
I got sick for the past few days, and I didn’t get a chance to compose my blog for 2 days.
I promised myself that I’d write 1 blog post every day in the month of November.
Here were the two things I worked through.
First, I worked through my mindset of “inconsistency”.
This came up because every time I said I was going to do a “challenge”, I would drop off midway through. And when I stop, my mind would say, “See! You’re stopping again! You’re giving up again!”
Second, I working on my “pushing through”.
Because so many times, even though I’m too tired, or I know I’m physically unable to, I’d still push myself onward, without any regards of how my body feels. And when I push, my mind would say, “You’re so tired, but you’re still pushing, you need to rest!”
There would be a constant flip flop between these two extremes. AND no matter which extreme I was on, I would constantly beat myself up for it.
I would either judge myself for being inconsistent, or for pushing myself too much.
Never enough! No matter what I did, I did the wrong thing.
This time around, I actually allowed myself to rest, AND tell myself that I am still being consistent, at my own pace.
And my internal brain actually said, “It’s time to stop, you need to rest.”
And
“You can continue when you feel better, you’re still being consistent.”
WHAT???
This is huge! I’ve worked so hard on myself, I’ve loved myself so much, that I know when to push myself, and when to stop.
And I feel enough where I am!
No guilt, no blame, no shame, no self beat up.
I feel friggin’ fantastic!
Here’s the thing, so many times, we set goals for ourselves, and we start off with high energy, and we do it for a few days, and then things start to get difficult.
We start muscling our way through, and then we stop. So we start beating ourselves up for it.
Or we felt we have to prove something, so even when we are physically incapable, we still force our way through.
Both of which, make us stop pursuing what we’d set out.
But what if we don’t have to prove anything?
Have you ever experienced that?
Maybe you want to lose weight, or write a book, or start a business.
You are like, yeah! I’m going ahead with this, I want to do this!
And then things start getting difficult, and you stop, which make you believe that you’re not meant for it.
Or you feel the need to show the world you’re a certain way! So you keep muscling through, even when your mind and body are telling you NO!
What if you actually don’t have to prove anything?
What if you can trust yourself that, you can keep going, and it’s okay to stop when you need to stop?
What you need, is to build up self trust. Trusting your intuition. Trusting that you can keep going when things get tough, AND trusting that you need to rest when you need.
It actually comes from loving yourself.
And I want to offer this to you, because it took me a while to get to this point. And I am damn proud of myself.
It feels wonderful to my own body. This actually feels like “flow” and I don’t have to muscle through anything.
If you’d like to find out what this is about, and how you can apply this to your life, I’d love to hop on a free 60-min Jump Start Conversation with you.
We can figure out what you want for yourself, and I can pin point in what aspects of you life you can work on to get there.
Most of all, we can see if we are a great match to work with each other!
Book a session with me now!